glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
