just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Send help, water and tortillas.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to sanitize my soul.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
