Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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