dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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