Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
