my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
of course. lets lasso hookers.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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