The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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