3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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