Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
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I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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