So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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