Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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