....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
