she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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