So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
