I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
