I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
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I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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