Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
