the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
