Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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