Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
