I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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