Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
