I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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