he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i think i have two assholes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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