I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
