An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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