i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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