Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
