She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this will be a night to untag.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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