We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
