Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
