The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
