R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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