Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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