HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
