Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I need water and some morals
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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