I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
