What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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