you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
