I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
