i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
