I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
