dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
