Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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