I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
