i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
