I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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