My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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