she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina just recognized that song.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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