Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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