So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
