i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
