Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
