Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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