she woke up with a sticky ear
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will pee on everything he values.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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