I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
